short thoughts
a place for prayers, realizations, rants, affirmations, & so on.
CW: descriptions of emotional suffering, global anti-Blackness & its effects, identity & personality dysfunction, all of the isms, gender-based violence, and so on. this page contains harsh realities that are mostly delivered without nuance. if you’re someone who benefits from longer explanations, please find something on the “writings” page.
2/7/25, about 4:30 PM
the identities, personalities, & skills that the colonizers forced (and force) into us to be able to work and legally "survive" under capitalism are/will be the same things that make it easier for them to kill us when shit really pops off.
& they've been killing us for centuries, of course; the revolution has been here the whole time. But the next peak is always right around the corner and I honestly feel like the overt r@ce war is coming sooner than later. so the need for effective survival skills is more of a need every day, but not those survival skills that work for the society we live in now. I pray that my fierceness grows. & I pray our collective Black identity will be fierce and unafraid.
2/7/25, about 5:15 PM
i mourn who i could have been (& way earlier), if i could have grown up celebrated and surrounded by Blackness + an African worldview. the grief I feel about this loss of self seems like a bottomless pit. really hoping i’ll see the bottom with time.
2/9/25, about 9:30 AM
they took so much nature from us. we were taken out of our nature, ofc (our environment), and then parts of our nature were also taken out of us as a people. its one and the same. i resent missing out on those parts for so long, and my blood & muscles are confused by the difference. the blood and muscles cant see the environment we’re in now…and it doesnt care. it is still wrong. being blood felt different in those people from before.
“i remember you used to kill and protect. i got to be hot and fast in battle. where did that go?” my blood asks.
“they did evil things to (us)me, and (we)I forgot over time. but (we're)i’m taking it back.” I reply.
this ache will only be soothed with separation & violent destruction of anything[one] preventing our escape.
u can read a different, longer version of this chunk^ in "writings" under the name "same blood"
2/9/25, about 9:45 AM
the only thing I’ll allow myself to be overambitious & “grandiose” about is escaping and building something better than this. and if everything i do can be in support of that, then it is allowed.
2/9/25, around 11AM
spirituality is what makes vio1ence righteous. it’s more than physically/politically/morally justified. & politicality/morality ought to be spiritual. to k1ll something that is misusing life energy by destroying the lives of others is holy. i know for a fact that my ancestors didn’t place as much meaning on physical forms like the western world does. i think their connectedness to everything natural, and their reverence for the ever-present, but limited life energy made elimination evil physical forms even simpler and more necessary. i pray we can do the same.
2/13/25, about 7:30PM
i’m horrified by how the creation of the nuclear family limited our scope of communal growth. so many expectations and rules, all mixed up together with individualism, gender, the adult/child binary, and standards about what a single person should be able to do (ALL ALONE) by a certain age. well trauma is real, and so is the neurodiversity of the diaspora, and so is skill regression/loss, and so is disability in general. so theres not a ton of room for “what we should be able to do” outside of treat each other with as much care as possible. I hate that so many of us got set up for that arbitrary family unit, and how pervasive it still is in our culture, even in spaces that are supposed to be “holistic” & “community-oriented”.
2/13/25, about 10:30 PM
ancestors, please come into my body and root out the evils within. undo what they did. uproot the blight. leave holes in me if you must, and fill them with your way.
2/16/25, about 1:30 PM
giant health crises (take ur pick) that unevenly impact, fragment, & kill Black communities are like candy for the govt because the work gets done for them, especially if we fall for their tricks of censorship, division, & downplaying the severity of world-devastating issues.
2/21/25, about 2:30 PM
separatism is our safety.
3/2/25, about 8 in the morning
colonizers took and continue to take away our most valuable tool: connection to ourselves/connection to spirit. and now……many of us are trying to solve spiritual problems with their shallow, one-sided, busted ass solutions. it will never work. we need spirit to solve our problems.
3/13/25, about 9:45am
any healing method or mental health space that does not acknowledge the root of the issues Black people deal with can only gaslight and mislead the Black patient. the healing modalities must include an acknowledgement and direct blame of colonization, or else the patient will blame themselves, and the "healer"/"therapist" will simply blame one or two generations of faulty upbringing, never solving the issue, only treating symptoms.
3/15/25, about 1AM
i noticed it first in myself, of course, the fear of power. my abusers had used power in horrible ways, and i had silently vowed to myself that i'd never want any part of that; never would be like them. so i became voiceless and passive. this stunted my development and kept me away from the will to fight that i was supposed to have for many years. similarly, colonizers gave power a bad reputation. we have experienced the ways power can be abused more directly and for longer than any other group of people on Earth. i think many of us were made, by europeans and then by other non-Black groups, to fear our power-because if we did acknowledge it, that would mean uprising (and success) without a doubt. intra-communally it is dangerous to misuse power, yes. but power is exactly what we need in relation to those who depend on us being afraid to claim it.
u can read a different, longer version of this chunk^ in "writings" under the name "fearing our power".
3/20/25
praying i can fully beat the "so well spoken!" allegations one day. being socialized as a girl AND socialized around whiteness means my emotions and the truth of almost every situation was a complete mystery to me for decades. whiteness runs on deception, avoidance, and covering things up. relearning real social skills and how to express my actual experience has been a TRIP. but it's pretty neat to uncover. "breaking" my writing and making it more readable to US has been a lot easier than "breaking" my spoken language. when i'm talking, I have less time to unravel the layers of politeness, "pretty manners", formalities, and so on. that's been a real learning curve recently but it's happening! again, praying for more de-programming/decolonizing of my body every day. Ase.
3/21/25, afternoon time
just like our ancestors had to figure out how to communicate across cultural and language barriers while they were being shipped all around the world, i think the Black collective needs to spend more time trying to translate our cultures, feelings, and thought patterns to each other, especially since we have so much neurodiversity, disability, and many of us are in the process healing our social trauma. i notice how many miscommunications happen simply because we're speaking different social languages, even if most of us are speaking English. we have a social language bridge to gap, so we can understand that we are working toward the same goal while we're on our way-and so that we can create our new communication system by the time we do get there.
3/23/25, around 3PM
it’s not honorable to deny justice, especially in the name of spirituality. justice is spiritual. it restores balance. we have no idea the spiritual consequences for a group of people who are brutally tortured and denied justice for centuries. Except we DO have an idea, cuz we are the result. we feel the impact imbalance in our bones and spirits. i won't tolerate complacency and passivity in myself any longer. this goes for justice-seeking, integrity to my community, and dedication to developing the skills i need to have in order to fight. i am no longer interested in operating from a dis-empowered state.
4/16/25, about 10:20PM
revolution is cringe. it requires the fullness of all of what we feel & who we are.
4/24/25, about 9PM
i’ll be anti “love-and-light” for the rest of my life. or at least until I get any evidence that we can widely appreciate darkness as much as light; until “dark” doesn’t equal evil in most minds. for now, instead of wishing anyone “love and light”, I’ll wish us all curiosity, courage, comfort with the unknown, depth, and transformation. i will wish darkness. in deep darkness is where we learn the most important secrets. im not interested in celebrating anything on the surface-level. our radicality exists in the dark, in the unknown. we are forging our own way. this world has had enough “light”. time to re-balance.
more on this in “writings”
5/9/25
the grief of truth
is the stone
that sharpens
the sword of justice,
purpose,
& righteousness.
5/20/25
praying we can undo what they have done.
7/23/25, about 6PM
many people wont accept & acknowledge the suffering we’re all in. if a messenger, already downtrodden, comes along to spread truth, they risk being shot even deader than before. & the radicality is in accepting that most people u encounter will think youre ridiculous & unreasonable for ur principle; they may even fear u. the truth & mission is still true despite their misunderstanding of it.
7/30/25, midnight
hearing ppl demonize street justice & discredit ab*ser callouts by saying those things are “carceral” causes me the same irritation as hearing:
“they had slaves in Africa too yk!😌”
comparing apples to oranges for no reason other than to shift focus/be unaccountable/unwillingness to accept reality (?) or something.
we’re allowed to seek justice, seek safety, exile unsafe ppl, & be tha consequences.
& ppl get tricked into centering ab*ser comfort while de-centering survivor suffering. this world asks us to forget our pain constantly, which i believe to be residue of multiple oppressive organized religions, but also a feature of capitalism ofc, where most of us 1000% gotta pretend we dont exist every day just to stay physically (kinda) alive.
